15.

I know that ALL my posts start out as numbers. I know that ALL I ever talk about is this "guy" who we will continue to call Essay. All, I have are the feelings that I want to share with the world for him, but then ease back because it just may be the stupidest thing that I could do. I know, you lose your man how you gain him, but he was NEVER my man. He's not HER man anymore, or the one that tore US apart when she arrived on Thursday. She is another girl that will come and go... I have proof that its not just her.

I have been thinking A LOT about life and the turmoil I am IN, have caused and will START here in about 2 weeks. He deserves it ALL. I can be nice and "pretend" that I understand ANYTHING he is saying, but I don't care. In fact I CARE SO MUCH that I don't care, IF that makes sense. I want him to hurt like he hurt me. This is ALL that has been running through my mind and it CONSUMES me. I can't get enough of the things playing in my head. It's hard to eat, sleep, or even dream. I can't take the thoughts anymore but they wont go away until this "problem" goes away... I don't even want to call it a problem. HE is the problem. Not the thing growing inside me.

I am SO depressed. Love, or the thing called "love" sucks. It makes you happy and then leaves you feeling shitty. I just dont understand why SOME men can't man up to their responsibilities and MAKE grown up choices. I have SOOO many words and phrases and thoughts going through me and wanting me to write them down that it makes me tired and exhausts me. I just need a hot meal and sleep.

I am working grave tonight. I saw you text me. I text you back but I didnt want to. I just want you to get out of my head...but it's hard. It really is.

Ugh. I cant write anymore.

I have nothing left except every thought I can't/need/want to write down. It's like a MAGNET.

<3