I hate..

That I love you more than you love me.
I cant let go.
I cant stop loving you.
I cant stop being insecure about past things.
I love/hate fighting with you.
That sometimes it SHOWS that I care more about this relationship than you do and it hurts.
That I am more considerate and compromising than you.
That NO ONE in your family likes me.
That sometimes it bothers me, but I act like it doesnt because ALL of my family likes you and asks about you.
That I still think every now and again that you will hurt me and cheat on me like you did before.
That you are SHADY as FUCK sometimes but you act like you arent.
That in the past you were into weird things and I check your cell phone bill to make sure you arent still doing those weird things.
That you STILL work with your EXGF and when you leave work late, BAD thoughts run thru my mind.
That after reading ALL of this I dont know why I am still with you and continue to put up with your BULLSHIT.

ugh.

8-13-08

This is when we were EST. Lol. As they say. It will be 2 years on Friday. I am
hoping we dont fight and we get along the WHOLE night. We have been fighting a lot lately and I feel like I dont have control of the situation anymore. Like I can't fathom living without you, but like our world is SO different because of EVERYTHING. I want us to work out SO BAD and I want to love you SO MUCH, but you make it hard. SO HARD. It's tough to be in this when I feel like I try harder than you. I've told you.

I just want to:

Laugh.
Love.
Live.
Be Happy.
Be IN LOVE.
Eat Sushi.
Make LOVE.
Take Pictures.
Have Babies.
Get Married.
NOT Fight.

ALL of this I want with you.
Let's make it happen. 2 YRS is right around the corner, but it feels like longer because I KNOW you are my SOULMATE and my BEST friend. I hope you feel this way too and always do. :)



<3

I want to LOVE with all of my heart.

I am trying. You make it so hard. Last night, we had a good night. We went to the movies, shared a hot dog, popcorn and chocolate covered peanuts. We laughed. We were excited to go back to my house to have a good night, and then you brought up dumb things to fight about. Other girls, other guys. The SAME things that we ALWAYS fight about. It's not worth ruining our nights over. I HATE it. So I made you leave. I didnt want to fight and I knew that we both would have laid in bed together wanting to hold each other but letting our pride get in the way. I don't know why we do this run around and it gets us right back to the same spot we were in before the fight.

NOWHERE.

I love you. I want to be with you and I want this time around to be better than before. I missed everything about you, EXCEPT how insecure you are. It's CLEAR how insecure you are but you say you arent. We all are. I am scared to start this whole thing with you again but I AM. I am taking that risk. To LOVE with all of my heart.

I wish you would do the same and let me know that you are into this as much as you say you are. I need proof. I need reassurance sometimes. Can I have that? Please.

Just love me with ALL OF YOUR heart. We can get thru this. I just wish it wasnt so hard for you and me to get over all the bullshit. I want the warm days when we first started dating. Where it was NOTHING but happiness and love. Where we would make out and have passionate sex ALL the time. Where you would tell me EVERYTIME you saw me, how beautiful I was and how you couldnt live without me. Now its like you can be alone for days at a time and not care if we see each other.

I want to fall asleep with you more times than not. Be passionate. Intimate. Loving. Caring. Trusting. Can we just go back to that?

<3

As of lately..

I feel like your passion is fading.. Just the sexual part. Like Im a CLOSE friend that you cook for, eat with, cuddle with and sleep with.. but not in the SEXUAL aspect of it. Lately, you have made me feel as if you are not sexually attracted to me anymore and that your "alone" time is when you can really get out some release. Yes I know I shouldnt ask about those alone times you have, but they are more than they should be. They are more than you being intimate with me. I know you probably dont mean to make me feel this way and you are always "tired" but sometimes I feel like they are excuses. Like something else is bothering you. Something deeper and darker. Something that you dont want to discuss. I know you better than you know yourself... I just wish you would tell me. I hope its not drugs again. Or other people. girls to be exact. I just thought we were past this and I want to be right about you but in the GOOD SENSE.

I love you and i wish that you could talk to me and let me know whats wrong. I know it's not my LOOKS. I am no where near grotesque and I am no where near ugly, but maybe there is something bothering you inside that you need to let out but you cant talk to me about it. I need you to hear me when I say you are my BEST FRIEND and you can tell me anything. Please? I am in a dark place and I am worried. I need to know that we are going to be ok.

<3